Complaints
by Sailor Comet
Summary: This is in no way intended to offend anybody. That said, this is just my demented version of what upsets certain characters. Implied shonen ai.
1. Complaints

Hey! This note is important! Lookie:

This is in no way intended to offend anybody. It's here entirely for humour, and to poke fun at the dub TV show. Also, I complain about some fic clichés in Ryou/Yami Bakura fics. Well, hopefully nobody will take any offense at this.

Another Note: This ficcie was written before they started on the new season. I was really happy when I saw the new episode this morning, 'cause both Bakura and his Yami have lines, but ignore that for the sake of this fic.

The dub voice Honda is referring to is his first one – I'm pretty sure they got him a better one. The original dub sounded like he was holding his nose. 

A warning: This has yaoi implications! Whoo! 

Complaints 

Jou and Honda exchanged a glance, before looking back at the table before them. Then, as if it had been planned, the two lunged forward together, trying to shove the other out of the way. By some fluke Honda was able to push Jou off to the side, reach out, and grab the only pen.

The two boys were both in a non-descript room, where the only furniture was the table in front of them. On top of the table sat a large, blank cardboard box. Well, blank save the hastily scrawled label, in all capital letters, "COMPLAINTS." Next to the box was a pile of index cards, and Honda was scribbling away on one of them with the pen. Jou tapped his foot impatiently, arms crossed. One hand held a blank card. 

"You done yet?" He asked, watching as his brunet friend scratched something out. 

"Well, I'm trying to word it nicely," Honda retorted, not looking up. 

"What's your complaint, anyway?"

Honda stood up, surveying his work. The card was, for the most part, illegible. Every line had been filled, and over half was messily crossed out. However, the brunet didn't notice as he dropped it into the slot on top of the box.

"It said, 'Give me a better dub voice, I sound like a retard.'" He told the blond.

"Well, I guess we shouldn't say what you _look_ like," A third voice cut in. Both boys turned to the newest addition, as a white-haired boy sauntered in. 

"Bakura!" The two shouted together.

The white-haired boy shrugged. "Until Takahashi reveals my true name, or if he doesn't ever, damn evil comic artist, I guess you can call me that." He strolled over to the table and looked at the box, frowning. Then, before Jou could shout, he'd relieved Honda of the pen and taken an index card for himself. 

"I was next in line!" Jou complained.

"Tell it to the box." The thief had rather neat handwriting, probably because of Ryou, and the pen moved over the index card with twice the speed of when Honda had written his complaint. It still took just as long, however, as Yami Bakura flipped his card over and filled the back of it with more choice words. 

"What's your complaint?" Honda tried to look over his shoulder, but the light-haired robber kicked him in the shin.

"Yeah, you're _always_ on top in the fics." 

Honda stared at Jou, as Bakura snickered and dropped his card in the box. Turning to Jou, he threw the pen at the blond. Jou yelped as it hit him directly in the middle of his forehead.

"Yes, but in fics, I'm incredibly stupid. Who beats up on their partner just because they're bored? I'm stuck with Ryou for his life. Although beating him senseless would be enjoyable, it wouldn't be as good as… well, it's much better when your partner is willing to work with you." He smirked, before continuing, "and nearly all the time, if they do let me get laid, it's only after realizing 'Oh Ra, I'm such an evil bastard. I've hurt my aibou so much, oh, oh, I'm so _sorry_ for everything I've done, oh how can Ryou ever love such a sadistic asshole like myself? Oh boo hoo, cry cry cry.' Can either of you see me doing that?"

Two heads shook back and forth quickly.

"And on an official dubbing note, nobody knows how to pronounce Bakura's name."

Jou grinned, picking up the pen. "Yeah. What do you think of your dubbed voice, BaKUra?"

"Next time it'll be a knife I throw at your head," he warned. "And, I haven't heard my dubbed voice yet. Every time that episode where I have any lines is on, I miss it. The first time I was out with Malik, the second time… same thing… the third time, I was seeing the Power Puff Girls movie…" He paused, giving time for Jou or Honda to give him an excuse to kill them, before going on. "And I haven't heard any of Ryou's lines, either. He's like a mute, just following everybody along silently. Which is so not like him, he's so goddamn _loud_ in bed….." The albino paused, decided he'd said too much, and left the room. 

Jou and Honda stared at his retreating form, eyes wide as dinner plates.

The door hadn't shut from Bakura leaving before another male entered, navy trench coat 'fwooshing' out behind him. Kaiba-boy walked into the room as though he owned it, which was entirely possible, considering how much KaibaCorp did own, and pulled the pen from Jou's fingers. 

"Hey-"

"Shut up, dog." Kaiba ordered, ignoring the supplied index cards and pulling out a KaibaCorp business card. Within seconds he'd finished and dropped the card into the box. There was a slight tap a moment later as it hit the bottom. 

"What's _your_ problem? You got a semi-decent dub voice, no stupid accent, and hordes of fangirls, for some odd reason." Jou demanded.

Kaiba gave him a look that said 'You are not worth my time,' but answered for the sake of the story. "Mokuba needs more screen time where he's _not_ begging somebody to save him," He informed them. He handed the pen to Honda before leaving, possessed trench coat flaring up behind him. 

Honda shook his head, handing the blond the pen before he could think of playing keep-away with it. Jou wrote quickly, not knowing when somebody else might come and steal the ever-evasive pen. 

"It's the accent, isn't it?" Honda asked. There was a nod.

"I can't tell if I'm from Brooklyn or the mob, and half the time I can't tell what I'm saying, either." He dropped his card into the box. "Hey, do you know why Bakura's British?"

Shrug. "Not a clue." The two turned to leave, only to see Yuugi open the door and step in. 

"Hi guys!" He greeted, enormous eyes shining. 

"You have a complaint?" Jou asked, shocked.

"Isn't that out of character?" Honda added.

Yuugi shrugged. "My Yami and I have the same problem. Half the time our facial expressions are completely off from our voices and what we're saying. And besides that…" The huge eyes began to tear up. Both taller boys backed up a step. "My dub voice is _corny_!" The waterworks began.

"Well, um, it could have been worse…" Honda offered.

"How?" Yuugi paused in his bawling and looked up. The question was accompanied with a sniffle. 

Honda was silent, the only good response being that Yuugi could have had the brunet's voice actor instead.

"You could have had Quatre's voice actor! Ever seen the dubbed Gundam Wing? At least your dub voice knows how to laugh without sounding like a deranged lunatic." 

"But, Jou, isn't he supposed to be going insane in that episode?" Yuugi pointed out.

"Um…"

The crying resumed. And then stopped abruptly as Yuugi's Yami took over, sparing the other two the embarrassment of trying to comfort him any more. He nodded to them in greeting, before moving toward the complaint box and grabbing a card. 

"Wanna put something on their about everybody else being insanely stupid and dense?" Honda suggested. "Nobody seems to realize that you grow a foot and your voice drops an octave whenever the Millennium Puzzle lights up. And after the first duel with Yami Bakura, everybody thinks it's a dream, even though we all had the same dream and Bakura's Millennium Ring is out, when it was hidden before."

Yami Yuugi 'hm'ed acknowledgement.

Jou looked over the spike-haired boy's shoulder. It was a bit harder since Yuugi grew a foot whenever the Pharaoh took over, but the blond was still slightly taller. 

"Um… I don't think they can read hieroglyphs," he offered.

The game king paused, and straightened up. "Who are these complaints going to, anyway?" He asked.

Honda and Jou shrugged simultaneously. They'd been doing a lot of things at the same time in this fic. 

"Kazuki Takahashi?"

"4Kids Entertainment?"

"Kids WB?"

"The fanfic authors?"

Yuugi's purple eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. "The fic authors? Hell, I'll be here all day!"

Jou and Honda exchanged a look that very clearly wondered, 'should we ask.' Then, both shook their heads and slowly backed out of the room. Yami Yuugi, already on his third index card, did not notice them leave.

La fin.


	2. Feminine Touch

Ah, a second part to what originally was intended as a one-shot. Mwahahaha…

I'll rant and I'll repeat myself, but rayemars says it's not redundant if nobody's listening. ^_^

Thankies to White Angel for looking this over for me and being my beta-type person.

Another thankies to all who reviewed. ^_^ Some reviews were helpful/inspirational, and all reviews were appreciated.

Again, I do not intend to offend anybody with this. For the most part, it's just intended to amuse/entertain. … For the most part.

Complaints

Part Two: Feminine Touch

Yami Yuugi left the room a ridiculous amount of time later, and only because of a combination of three things. The pen had run dry, the pile of index cards had been exhausted, and Yuugi was getting annoyed, not to mention embarrassed by some of the things Yami Yuugi had written. Though hopefully nobody else would be able to read his submitted cards, due to the hieroglyphs that Yami Yuugi had used. 

Night came and went, and when the next person entered the little room there was a new pen and the index cards had been replenished. 

Anzu stepped in warily, looked around, then quickly grabbed the pen and began to write, as though she might be stopped at any time. Her paranoia was justified, however, as another woman entered the room, blond hair swishing behind her. Mai Kujaku stepped in and stood aside to wait.

"I can't believe we didn't find out about this sooner," Mai said conversationally, not bothering with a greeting. Anzu nodded, tapping her chin with the end of the pen and thinking. Mai went on, "Why wasn't I informed of it yesterday? I'll complain about that, too." 

The brunette girl set down the pen and stared at the card, before handing it to Mai. "Will you look this over for me?" She asked. 

Mai accepted the card with a shrug and a smirk. "Sure, why not?" 

Her purple eyes moved back and forth, reading over the complaint. She paused, and reread it, then raised her gaze to meet Anzu's. "You're exaggerating, right?" She asked. "It can't be that bad."

"It is!" Anzu tried not to whine, mostly succeeding. "All the fanfic authors hate me!" She bit her lip then, trying to control her outburst.

"Anzu…" Mai murmured, putting an arm around the shorter girl's shoulders. "Why would they hate you? Although you can be a bit self-righteous, and run at the mouth when it comes to friendship…" 

"That's just it!" The brunette burst out. "They say I can't do anything but make stupid friendship speeches and then they call me a slut and…" Anzu sniffed, unable to continue, and Mai handed her a lacey white handkerchief.

"You've got the slut reputation?" The blond asked, still in disbelief. "But considering our outfits, you'd think I'd be more qualified for that." Another sniff was her response, so she tried again. "And why do they hate you talking about friendship? It's a major theme of the series, even if I don't like it." Mai smirked then, "Maybe they just don't have any friends and they're jealous!" 

Anzu looked up at the taller woman and wiped her wet face. "Thanks, Mai," she said, attempting a small smile. "I'll clean your handkerchief and give it back…"

"Keep it," Mai waved her off. "I've got tons. They're really convenient." 

Anzu smiled and sniffed one last time, thanked Mai again, and took her leave. 

As soon as the brunette was out of sight Mai's shoulders sagged and she let out a loud sigh. "How did _I_ get stuck with cheering her up?" After a moment in which nobody answered her query, accounted to the fact that Mai was the only one in the room, she straightened back up and shrugged. "I suppose I am better suited for the job than those boys she hangs out with," She muttered to herself, dropping Anzu's index card into the box.

The blond was halfway through her card when a soft voice greeted her, "Hi!" She looked over her shoulder at the newcomer.

"Hi Shizuka!" She returned the greeting, smiling at Jounouchi's younger sister. The girl was incredibly sweet and cute for having the older brother she did. Well, if you asked Mai, Jounouchi was sweet and cute as well, but… Shizuka was sweeter and cuter in that way only kind, innocent girls can accomplish.

Wait. Nice little Shizuka had a complaint? Mai blinked and stared as Shizuka stepped lightly up to the box, pulled a small envelope out of a pocket and dropped it in. 

"Shizuka…" Mai started, before the girl could skip off.

"Yes?" The auburn-haired girl spun around to face Mai.

"What do you have to complain about?" The blond asked. 

Shizuka smiled sheepishly. "Well… you know how big brother's dub voice has that accent?" Mai nodded. She'd been put off by the accent at first, but now found it slightly endearing. "And children develop language and speech patterns, and things such as accents, when they're young, right?" Mai nodded again, not entirely sure where Shizuka was taking this. "And Jounouchi and I were together at that age… so why don't I get a mobster accent!?" 

Mai blinked again. 

"Goodbye, Miss Mai!" Said Shizuka with a little wave, and she'd skipped out of the room. 

There were a few more blinks, showing off the wonderful, no-clump mascara that Mai used, before she recovered and returned to her card. She was nearly finished by the next time somebody entered. Upon hearing the footsteps, she looked over her shoulder to see who it was.

"You're…" it took a moment before the name came to her, as she never actually interacted with him on screen, "Ryou Bakura?" The white-haired boy nodded. "But Jounouchi said that you were her yesterday." 

"I was?" The boy cocked his head. "I don't remember that. But… I can't seem to remember what happened yesterday after lunch, either…" 

Mai shook her head. She'd only seen the other Bakura once, but for some reason she'd realized that he actually existed at the same time as most of the others, while on the airship. Save Honda and Yuugi, most of the group seemed in denial about the Ring Spirit. 

"What's your complaint, Mai?" He asked sweetly. She shivered. It was entirely too much of a contrast between the two Bakuras. Sickeningly sweet plus psychopathic was just wrong, if you asked her.

Mai turned back to her card to finish writing as she replied. "Almost all the duels I'm ever shown in end with me loosing. I'm a good duelist, and they show my victims after I've defeated them, but they almost never show my good duels!" 

"Oh, that's too bad," Bakura said softly, his tone sincere. "But, just think about it; they've never even shown _me_ duel. It's always the other me, and I'm the one who puts the decks together. He takes all the credit." 

Mai stared at him, once again stopping in the middle of writing. The boy noticed her stare and shifted his feet, "Is something wrong?" 

"You don't sound angry at all," Mai told him.

"Oh! That's all?" He smiled again. "I can't get angry. That would hint that I have more of a personality besides a wishy-washy pushover, and we can't have that." As he spoke his eyes narrowed darkly, but the voice remained the same sweet tone. In less than a second, however, the narrowed eyes were gone and he smiled again. 

Mai finished writing quickly and left. It didn't matter which Bakura it was, she decided; they were both freaky. 

Bakura smiled to himself as he started writing out his complaint. Mai hadn't asked him what it was, he noticed. She'd probably thought he'd told her. Well, the fact that he never got to duel wasn't his only complaint. There was also the ambiguity of his relationship with his other half – Hell, there was hardly any relationship with his other half in the show – then there was the fact that he had no personality, and no lines – well, no important lines anyway. And that was just in the canon. He hadn't even started to think on his complaints for fanfiction, but one thing was sure.

Ryou Bakura was the abuse and rape victim of most fics, and it was driving him more insane than his other half could ever accomplish. People just had no taste or tact when dealing with serious topics as those. Then there was the fic he'd discovered only the previous day, which had caused him to throw Seto's laptop out the nearest window, much to the annoyance of said trench coat-wearing rich boy. 

An abuse fic should not be in the humour category. It just shouldn't be done.

He wrote quietly and in the same neat hand that his darker side had used the previous day, still smiling to keep himself IC. 

Two cards had made it into the box when a tan head peeked in through the doorway. "Hey, Bakura!" Malik called, grinning. The white-haired boy lifted his head, waving at his friend before returning to the index card.

"What're you doing?" Malik asked, standing at the door. Bakura pointed with his free hand to the label on the box. The blond boy shook his head, earrings jingling, and then remembered that Ryou wouldn't see the motion. "No, I know about the complaints. But what are you doing, complaining in this chapter?" 

Bakura looked up at him quizzically. "Why wouldn't I be here now?" He was genuinely confused.

Malik snickered at him. "This chapter's subtitle is **Feminine Touch**!" He managed, before the fit of cackling overcame him. He tried to speak again, but the, "Though you do fit in," was mostly unintelligible through the evil laughter.

Ryou just stared at him, before looking down at his chest where the Ring hung. "You didn't tell me that!" He said to the inanimate object. A moment passed, in which there was a nasty reply, and Ryou raised his voice. "What? I _can_ read, thank you very much!" 

Malik tried to stop laughing, but to no avail. Despite the fact that he knew Ryou wasn't insane and just yelling at a random inanimate object, the scene was still more than amusing. 

Bakura threw the card into the box quickly, pen abandoned and probably somewhere on the floor. "To Hell with being In Character," he muttered to himself, before shouting at his Millennium Item, "Yeah, well I didn't see you complaining about all those Yami Yuugi/Yami Bakura yaoi fics we found!"

Malik snickered once more and left, having accomplished his mischief for the hour and not realizing that by merely appearing in the chapter he'd labeled himself a femme boy, whether or not he complained. 

La fin…


End file.
